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Nov. 28th, 2015

Exit: Sun


Only now, two days after Thanksgiving, am I really crying about my father's absence. There were moments during the day when I paused and felt sad, but I didn't cry. The crying started today when my aunt mentioned that she didn't get a chance to give my dad his birthday gifts. And it just hurts that he didn't get to enjoy them. And I didn't make cranberry sauce this Thanksgiving because he was the only one who liked it, but I always enjoyed making it for him. And I didn't get to make him a dish of leftovers on Friday like I always did. I'd fix up identical plates for him and myself for lunch the day after with these two cute dishes my aunt has, so I was really eating alone yesterday. And as I dished myself up my medley of leftovers I thought of him and it made me sad.

My brother was good, he brought up dad at the table during the meal, wondering if we remembered an old joke that dad told at Thanksgiving dinner once and he used his phone to find it and told it to us and we laughed, and that was good. But today I keep getting these horrifying cringes about how wrong it is that he doesn't exist in this world anymore except in memories. Memories are precious, and I've heard so many "comforting" things about them, but in reality, memories are crap compared to actually having the person in your life.

Nov. 5th, 2015

Exit: Sun


Nothing quite like hearing about a promising new treatment for Parkinson's when it's already too late. And my poor papa was suffering so much from his Parkinson's medication because he'd been on it for over a decade. I just desperately wish we had changed his dosage much earlier than we did. I had one brief moment a week or two before he died where he was himself. Sitting upright, his eyes open, able to have a conversation and hold a mug and drink. He was himself and I told him how happy I was to see him and I hugged him and talked to him. And then the drug kicked in and he was gone. I feel like that was the last time I ever spoke to him.

Nov. 4th, 2015

Exit: Sun


I'm home alone crying and wailing. Can't catch a break. The brakes on the car had to be fixed, and we need to call the Roto Rooter people to clear the pipes, and the dryer doesn't tumble anymore, and the light in my room still needs fixing. Everything's falling apart and there's never enough money and my papa is gone.

Oct. 26th, 2015

Exit: Sun

(no subject)

God it's so easy to cry...

Oct. 10th, 2015

Exit: Sun


I know no one reads this, but god fucking dammit I feel like writing the words.

Though I'd thought about and worried about it since I was 10, there is no way to prepare yourself for losing a parent. My father died around 1 a.m. on October 1st after a week in the hospital. He'd broken a rib in August, then he caught a cold and that progressed into pneumonia and he just couldn't beat it. He wore himself out coughing and then add congestive heart failure and there was no recovering from that.

Fuck, I don't think I can explain more, so much happened, it was so exhausting and painful. And now that he's gone I'm finding it so much easier and yet so much harder than I thought. I can go through my day fine, no crying no being depressed, I can talk to people about it, but come evening or just random things like driving alone can make me think about how he's gone and not coming back and I cry. And I don't know what to do about it other than to just cry when I need to, but it would be nice to how long it's going to be this painful, but grief has no schedule.

Aug. 31st, 2015

Exit: Sun


Back in the full swing of crying, almost as bad as the first two weeks, and I'm talking here again. I feel like I don't want to confide in anyone about how deeply upset I am with Mary's death. I feel like all I would do would be to upset and make them worry about me. I just don't know what to do except keep crying and try to work past the grief somehow.

I barely slept last night, for unrelated reasons, and I should be in bed, but I just indulged myself in looking at every single photo of Mary on Facebook, crying continuously. She was such a happy person and full of life. Just so fucking wrong that that life has been snuffed out.

Aug. 29th, 2015

Exit: Sun

Still sad...

But not quite so overwhelmingly as I was the first few weeks after my friend's death. I've discovered that the only time I truly feel free and have the privacy to cry about it is while driving, which isn't exactly safe and only works when no one will see my face at the destination... Happily...conveniently for the two weeks afterward I was taking care of someone's house and cats, so that was twice a day that I could indulge in weeping. Once that was over I've had to just not think about it as much.

I'm taking care of someone else's cats for a few days, it's almost half over and I only just realized today that 'oh yeah, I can cry my everloving heart out again if I wanted,' so I did, both coming and going. It wasn't completely without provocation. Mary's daughter posted on her timeline today about how she misses her and just, ow. And of course I keep running into things today from true stories, an organ donor PSA, to tv show episodes that are sad and that starts to set me off, too. (Writing this post is setting me off...)

I wonder when the crying will stop. I've had some times when I've been able to talk about her and memories of her without evoking tears, but today is a crying day, everything is sad. I don't think even my mom knows how sad I am or the people I interact with regularly. I think I'm pretty good at shutting out my troubles in order to just function and enjoy the things I enjoy, even when I'm alone and don't need to pretend.

Anyway, that's today's rambling.

P.S. Oh yes, I texted her husband the other week and he replied promptly and a couple pictures of him and his family in Arizona have popped up and it's good to see him smiling. But god, just thinking about him coming home to an empty house makes me cry again. ARHG!

Anyway, I'm knitting him a scarf for Christmas. I'd like to make something for all her children, but I don't think I have the time.

Jul. 23rd, 2015



Everything is so much wronger than in my last post. My chiropractor, who I knew before I was her patient and who I took many ceramics lessons with across maybe nine years died today, yesterday now. It's just wrong that she's gone. I can't begin to describe the overwhelming feeling I get when I think about it and how it just shouldn't be possible that she is no longer living and breathing and happy. I want it to be some horrible mistake, but it's not.

I'm been crying off and on for the past four...five hours, I have a headache, I should sleep, but I don't want to.

I saw her exactly one week ago on my birthday. I have no regrets nothing left unsaid or anything I wish I hadn't said. Everything was hunky dory. It's just, I don't know to do or what to think. I can't even write coherently about this. I scrolled through my FB feed and I suddenly see what looks like a memorial picture of her. My brain starts to break, I'm in denial, I got to her wall and find out that just 10 hours before in the morning her niece posted that she was in the hospital in critical condition from pancreatitis. I don't think I've ever been more horrified when hearing of the death of someone I knew. I wasn't this upset when my neighbor died and I was the one who found her. But my friend was maybe only 60 and this was so utterly sudden and unexpected.

Oh god, and thinking about her husband and how he's handling things. He's the most smiley happy guy I know. So kind, so sweet. The idea of him crying and losing his wife just hurts to think about.

I'm going to watch old NCIS episodes until I pass out or my head hurts so much I have to sleep.

Aug. 4th, 2014


Wtf FB...

So I'm not very active on FB. I purposefully don't "like" public figures, movies, tv shows and books anymore or very rarely and a few years ago I culled quite a few just for the pleasure of denying FB extra data. I don't play games, I rarely make personal updates and only occasionally share links or personal photos. I do "like" a number of personal posts, photos and links from friends and I poke one friend a heck of a lot. But the issue is my feed.

Everyone knows now about how FB filters your feed, but I really can't understand why FB has learned nothing about how I interact with one particular person's posts. I think it's supposed to adapt to the user, but fuck that, not true. They have a hierarchy for what shows up in my feed and be damned my personal tastes.

Anyway, to get back to the point: links trump status updates and videos and photos trump links. And this one person shares a mega fuckton of photos. The bulk of them being photographs with text. Picture after picture of "uplifting" empty platitudes and quotes. And the kicker is she rarely shares from the same source twice, so I can't just "hide all" and expect to see less because the next day there will be ten more shares from ten different sources yet again. I kid you not, she posted 14 things today from 14 different sources. Recently I started doing "hide all" in the hopes that FB would realize I don't like this sort of thing, but it hasn't worked.

And I can't just block all her posts, because she's family and I want to see my nieces. But what in the world possessed FB's algorithms to make her the one and only person where every damn thing they do shows up in my feed? I had to force FB with several settings to make certain other things showed up in my feed, but with no extra settings at all there she is. I only ever "like" photos of my nieces, yet there again is another picture with another quote slapped on it.

My only guess is that I have so few things in my feed (as I purposefully don't have a lot of friends or liked pages) and there's just room to put up everything. But still...make it stop! I can't find any setting where I can even tweak how much of her content is put on my feed. :(

Jun. 16th, 2014

Yachiru: whee!

I can barely believe it! 8D

My mother contacted my father's primary care physician today about the need for blood work in order to get the CT scan and guess what? There's blood work ordered for him! Granted it's not going to be the same lab as planned, but the lab in the medical building where this doctor is based. But anyway, it doesn't matter because the results will get sent to the appropriate people!

I knew the prescription from his neurologist wasn't going to come in, so I rescheduled the scan for Friday. I can get him to the lab tomorrow and that is more than enough time to get the results done for Friday.


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