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Exit: Sun

Still sad...

But not quite so overwhelmingly as I was the first few weeks after my friend's death. I've discovered that the only time I truly feel free and have the privacy to cry about it is while driving, which isn't exactly safe and only works when no one will see my face at the destination... Happily...conveniently for the two weeks afterward I was taking care of someone's house and cats, so that was twice a day that I could indulge in weeping. Once that was over I've had to just not think about it as much.

I'm taking care of someone else's cats for a few days, it's almost half over and I only just realized today that 'oh yeah, I can cry my everloving heart out again if I wanted,' so I did, both coming and going. It wasn't completely without provocation. Mary's daughter posted on her timeline today about how she misses her and just, ow. And of course I keep running into things today from true stories, an organ donor PSA, to tv show episodes that are sad and that starts to set me off, too. (Writing this post is setting me off...)

I wonder when the crying will stop. I've had some times when I've been able to talk about her and memories of her without evoking tears, but today is a crying day, everything is sad. I don't think even my mom knows how sad I am or the people I interact with regularly. I think I'm pretty good at shutting out my troubles in order to just function and enjoy the things I enjoy, even when I'm alone and don't need to pretend.

Anyway, that's today's rambling.

P.S. Oh yes, I texted her husband the other week and he replied promptly and a couple pictures of him and his family in Arizona have popped up and it's good to see him smiling. But god, just thinking about him coming home to an empty house makes me cry again. ARHG!

Anyway, I'm knitting him a scarf for Christmas. I'd like to make something for all her children, but I don't think I have the time.

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